By the time most couples seek help with their marriage, anger is a profound element of the relationship.  I’ve also noticed, however, that it’s not uncommon for neither party to acknowledge their own anger, although they can often easily point out the anger within their spouse. Wives might bring up their husband’s outbursts, raging, or controlling behavior.  Husbands tend to point out their wife’s “lack” of forgiveness, or their withdrawal and depression.  Each of them seems fairly justified in what they’re allowing to brew under the surface of their behavior without recognizing how much damage their anger is doing.

I’ve noticed that for men, anger tends to be about coercing the world around them to do or be what they want it to be. When an angry outburst seems to make people fall in line, shut up, and keep the world moving the way they see fit, it can create the false sense that “all is well.”  Anger seems to be used more as a force to control the people around them, to regain or maintain their footing by putting the people around them “in their place” by demeaning or powering-over them.

For women, I think anger tends to be more about reacting to what they experience as injustice against them, and it is much slower to build; it simmers and stews, and often gets turned inward.  It is often less “acceptable” for women to be angry.  So instead, they tend to exhibit depression, anxiety, or psychosomatic symptoms and variations of PTSD.  It seems to be the result of being silenced, gaslighted, belittled and misjudged.  For women, it seems anger tends to be used more as a force to resist the ways people have controlled and over-powered them.

For both, anger is a key building block in their wall of self-protection.  It supports defense mechanisms and fuels the façades we wear.  Anger can make it very difficult to be authentic and connect to your spouse, especially because the only connection that can happen is to whatever is in front of your shield of self-protection, which is often a very shallow, non-vulnerable self.  In being self-protective, you disable the very thing your heart craves: authentic connection.

Anger is not necessarily a bad thing.  It informs us that something is going on we need to pay attention to; something that needs to be addressed and changed.  This could be something within ourselves, such as dissonance or unresolved trauma. It could be constantly feeling unsettled about who we are or where we’re going, and frustrated about being so uncertain, complacent or fearful.  Maybe our expectations need to be evaluated, or our perception lined up with reality.  Maybe we’re letting others define us, or we’re trying to live their lives for them.

There might be an external force creating chaos or injustice that needs to be addressed.  We control much less than we think we can, and circumstances have a way of proving that. People treat us wrongly. We don’t get what we think we deserve. We lose. Our debt overwhelms us.  The laundry doesn’t clean itself.

Whether internal or external, we are going to have to address the root issues. It’s how we wield our anger that makes the difference in whether we build or further destroy the relationships around us.

Take some time to evaluate how much anger is impacting your thinking.  It may be exhibited as anxiety or depression, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, little tolerance or patience, or as a driving force in an addiction. Do you constantly feel off-kilter, fearful, unjustly treated, misjudged and misunderstood?  Sitting in those emotions without navigating them purposefully or intentionally toward a healthy direction will lead your soul to the kind of anger that diminishes and destroys.

Evaluate the impact of anger on your behavior.   Is your anger propelling you into behaviors that are demanding, punitive, coercive, or manipulative?  Are you sarcastic and contemptuous? Is the silence glaring and cold? Both silence and rage break down relationships.  And not living congruently as the kind of person you want to be will break down you.

Once you’ve taken a hard look at how much anger is brewing within you, you are much better able to recognize when and where it is negatively impacting your life.  And, once you see where it’s going wrong, you can right it. Anger can actually be a good thing! It informs you that something is wrong or unjust.  It can help you stay alert to danger and be used to motivate you to reach for something different, or to fight for what is good, right and true.

Some great questions to ask when you’re angry are: What am I fighting for?  What am I fighting against?  What’s going on in me and what does that tell me about what I need?  How can I better ask for what I really need? Am I trying to control someone else? Am I taking responsibility for controlling myself and managing my own internal world?  How can I use boundaries more effectively to invite my spouse into a better connection without losing myself?

Ultimately, freedom will come with taking seriously your right and responsibility to show up in your world the way God has designed, purposed, and called you.  How DO you want to show up in the space you’re in?  Anger can actually become a powerful force of motivation to help you stand courageous in that quest.

The biggest impact of dealing with anger in a healthy way is that while the circumstances might not change, you will be more intentional about navigating them, which translates to feeling less like a victim.  You’ll be better able to live your life, not simply be fending off everything happening to you.  You’ll think more clearly, step more surely, and build relationships more authentically.  And, I think you’ll find your heart to be much more at rest.

If you’d like help navigating the impact of anger in your life, I’d love to add insight!  Schedule a session today!