Is this Change For Real?

When things have gotten dire enough to come for help, this also means you have no idea what to count on from your spouse for where the relationship is going next. You desperately want to be able to plant your feet into something solid and reliable, so it makes complete sense that you’d want to know if the changes being made are “real”. Here’s a common case study I see with my clients. (It should probably go without saying that this is a “common” couple, not a specific couple and have created names for them to make it easier to follow.)

Lisa had recently become awakened that her marriage wasn’t functioning fine, they weren’t “getting through and figuring it out,” and love was not conquering all. She had wrapped her life around Joe, managing the house, the kids, and the schedule to cater to his expectations. Now several years in, she was realizing some important issues, namely (1) Joe’s “expectations” randomly changed, (3) he did not take her seriously, and (3) he had no real empathy or understanding of her, nor did he seem to want to.
Now they’re in counseling because she drew a line in the sand. Suddenly, Joe is all ears, jumping at the bit to cater to her. He wants to know everything she needs different, all the ways she needs him to change. He asked for a checklist of behaviors to change and gave her full permission to hold him accountable. He wrote an apology letter that was poetic and humble. On one hand, he represented the care and attention she has craved all along. On the other hand, it’s unnerving and she doesn’t trust him for a minute.

Lisa is rattled by the counseling process like most of us are. When your relational foundation has toppled, regardless of whether you ever truly had a “solid” foundation, finding your way back to a new, healthy normal feels chaotic and uncertain. When you’ve become very aware that your perspective has been fully persuaded by your hopes and dreams, but that it denies the reality of what you haven’t wanted to see, everything can feel like a lie. It is likely you are struggling to see clearly or to trust anything. Couple that struggle to trust with the sense of hope that comes from “getting help,” and fear can quickly set in, too. Fear that we’ll get sucked right back into the same ol’ ugly cycle. There is no way you will let yourself go back to living that life!

So, how do you know if there is real change? How can you trust what you think you see in the counselor’s office or the apology letter? Is there a way to know for sure?

There are two elements I tell people to watch for: 1) who is initiating/motivating the changes, and 2) how does he/she respond when the “changes” don’t get them what they want. In other words, does your spouse take responsibility for catching their own bad behavior and self-correct? Do they show an internal motivation to change, or are they dependent upon you enforcing the change? And, regarding #2 above, what is the response when you tell them, “No.” Do they act entitled to something from you because they’ve “changed?”

Surface change comes easily when it gets the desired result. If your spouse can check the boxes in order to move back in, drop the divorce, get in bed with you, or re-establish engaging with you, he or she is going to do it because you’ve drawn the line in the sand telling them they must.
But, you didn’t land in counseling to medicate the behavioral symptoms. You came to counseling for a heart transplant. And a heart transplant will not be swayed by your response, whether or not you “trust” or “forgive,” or let your guard down. It happens because it needs to happen for there to be life in the relationship.

People will deeply, truly change when they want to. They change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. They change when the root of change comes from their own desire to be free of the strongholds that bind their heart to hiding and self-protection. This is the kind of change that persists even when they must give up manipulation and control when they are told no, and when they have to walk through consequences they don’t want to deal with.

While you are working through the issues, watching to see how this turns out, keep these things in mind:

• Keep walking, one foot in front of the other, toward becoming the kind of person you want to be.
• Stay grounded, dealing with the day as it happens, and responding to your spouse in the moment, for the moment.
• Pay attention to the signals that will tell you if this is symptom management or root repair.
• Always practice using good boundaries to keep you heading the way you want to go.

If this sounds like your experience in your marriage, I would love to help untangle the chaos with you! You can reach me through the contact page, or purchase sessions through the product page on my website. I’d love to speak hope and healing into your life!