This is Part 3 of a series adapted from my presentation at the AACC 2018 Meganational Conference, a lecture given to counselors, pastors, church leaders and people-helpers.

We have great propensity to deny what we don’t want to see.  I think maybe it’s hard for most of us to imagine anyone being as cruel as the spouse you hear about in your clients’ experience. And if this is someone you also rub shoulders with in your community or at church, the denial can be fierce.  

But, we also know it is not beyond the scope of reality for that person to be very different behind closed doors than what you may think you know about him or her.  Think about your own life. You are well aware you, or someone you know closely, have things mostly hidden that are very different than the public persona. You might be horrified to have that side ofyou exposed (which might be a part of the motivation not to “expose” someoneelse’s dark side), but you know it is negatively impacting your sense of selfand ability to connect authentically in relationships. But, it helps no one todeny and ignore what is destructive.

Think about this, too: What does she gain by making this up?  The overwhelming majority of women who take the courage to speak up about what is happening in her marriage stand to lose huge pieces of every aspect of her life: her community, reputation, financial support, family members, church, and a good bit of her faith. Everything she knows will be altered by exposing theemotional abuse in her marriage. Everything.

The only thing she is seeking to gain? Safety.

It is way too common for those of us in a Christian environment to send her the message that being a Godly wife looks like enduring more, praying more, and letting God step in to convict him – meaning since she is not the Holy Spirit, that it is not her job to speak out against the sinful behavior. It is God’s job, and her ONLY recourse is to move out of His way. She is shushed and told not to speak up, and definitely not insist that he treat her differently.  She is told to look to her own sin, toquit withholding her body from him and to quietly obey.

We compound the harm by perpetuating the idea that being a Godly, submissive woman means taking on whatever abuse our husbands (and churches) have yet to be convicted about, exempting marriage from the “rules of engagement” the Biblelays out for relationships.  Let that sink in. She istaught to endure the abuse until her husband is convicted about it, oftentimestaught that it is a valiant role to endure so much pain at his expense.

I wonder what will convict him?  He is certainly not convicted by the damage or the pain he is causing. More often than not, he does what he does because it gets him what he wants.  Why would he be motivated to change that?  Itworks for him, and he doesn’t have to answer to anyone.

While this relationship IS messy and insidious and sinful, it is our job to shine the light of Christ into it, not to protect ourselves from getting into the fray by dismissing the harm or giving churchy platitudes about God’s power to fix it , that awife is to submit, or that God hates divorce.  

On that note, what else does God hate? There is a whole litany of things God hates that are often integral parts of the very relationship your client is trying to find safety from! 

God hates the proud and the oppressor. The perverse mouth A lying tongue. Hypocrisy. Arrogance. Stirring up strife. Those who love violence. Robbery. Wrongdoing. What do you think comes first? The divorce or the lying, wrongdoing and stirring up strife? 

In all cases of abuse, the perpetrator uses intimidation, humiliation, isolation and fear to diminish their victim’s sense of self and sanity, which defies the image of God.

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If your main focus is pressure to “stay married,” you will gloss over and minimize the bad behavior that must change for that marriage to reflect God.  How can you fit coercion and control into the Biblical picture of God’s love?   Jesus never once enabled or condoned sin.  Jesus never exploited his power to control others.  He never once coerced anyone to stay in relationship with him – it was always an invitation. He also did not let people abuse him until it came time for him to die on the cross – Which was HIS mission.

It is not ours.  Ours is to be light in the darkness, to stand up against sin and reflect the kind of love that DOES lead people to God. The best possible chances of that marriage really having a heart change, is to eradicate the destructive behavior, not teach the spouse to endure more. 

God cares more about the relationship and how it represents him than he does a piece of paper signed by a judge!  The whole reason he granted a writ of divorce was because of men’s hard hearts that were defying his design for marriage.  They were casting aside their wives – and the irresponsibility to cherish and protect them – for their own desires and purposes.  And there was nothing about that behavior that showed Him to the world, nor represented the covenant that love is. 

Better or worse does not mean that she must stay when he turns into a monster. 

If you have been awakened and encouraged by my posts, I can help you find your way out of emotional abuse toward healing.  You can purchase sessions right here online, or contact me for more information and schedule a session.