Part 5 of a series adapted from my presentation at the AACC 2018 Meganational Conference, a lecture given to counselors, pastors, church leaders and people-helpers.
Give them a plan for healing. Reality shows it is common for couples to stay in relationship with one another even when emotional abuse has been part of the picture. Even when you take the pressure of staying together off the table, she may still choose to stay for multiple layers of valid reasons. We’ve got to help create a road map for them to keep moving toward healing together, or, at least, help her to detach from the abuse with good boundaries, strong character, and a safety plan so that she can stay well.
This plan needs to include healthy communication models which teach them to be clear, to speak from their own thinking, which is informed by whatever need they are feeling. It is imperative to communicate without accusations and ascribing motive, and to listen, seek to understand, and to resolve conflict with connection as the goal. Rather than continual guessing and diagnosing, make the unspoken spoken. Ask more questions. Don’t tell your spouse what they mean, what they think, how they feel, or why the did it. Give them the honor of speaking for themselves, and insist they give you the same honor.
Move away from assumptions and filling in the blanks. Teach them to check in often to make sure they are hearing correctly what their spouse is trying to say. Their marriage issues are much deeper than communication problems, but if they cannot communicate, they cannot resolve the issues.
The plan should also include a sense of direction. What do they need their marriage to look like? Do they have a common mission they can work toward? What are they fighting for? What are they fighting against? Help them determine how to get on the same team, back to back with swords out facing the enemy together. How will they have each other’s back? What will they do when there’s a man down? How do they make “relationship” the goal?
The abused and abuser need ongoing systems assistance. They both need healing and help changing their trajectory. Since many abusive relationships will remain together, we must broaden our treatment approach to appreciate this fact. Rather than focus on either the perpetrator or the victim’s issues, we need to keep both of their specific issues in focus, seeing their marriage as a system and adjust our approach accordingly. We must delve deeper into the dysfunctional and often traumatic patterns whereby her life has often been spent wrapped around him and how he has taken advantage of this with power and control.
This often looks like doing both individual and couples work. It may mean a greater emphasis on the individual work, since marriage issues are symptoms of root individual issues. When the individual is operating from a healthy core sense of self, it makes couples work much easier! It’s a personal choice whether to use the same counselor for couples work as individual, and that choice might depend upon how much safety each feels they require. A good coach can work effectively with each individual and tie it all together in joint sessions. Usually, what distinguishes a good coach is a firm understanding of the dynamics of emotional abuse to avoid being engulfed in re-harming the real victim.
At the end of the day, it takes great strength of character to stay, and stay well, in the midst of a less-than-healthy marriage, but there is so much potential for an incredible story of redemption. Let’s help that happen where we can.