Impact of Attachment Styles
I’ve set out to describe a simple framework for understanding the impact of trauma on a person individually and the implications this has on the depth and breadth of relationships. This is part two in the series.
There is a curious power to attachment theory… and the role it plays in complicating trauma. I believe attachment issues underly every psychological disorder and diagnosis.
God himself said, “it is not good for man to be alone!” So, he created Eve. Why? Because God is most clearly reflected in attachment. In love. God is experienced in relationship. In knowing. And in being connected. But it didn’t take long for all hell to break loose. We have a very real enemy that has sworn to do everything within his power to make sure that God is not seen or experienced or known. So the very thing God said was not good, is exactly what we end up sitting in, and then wondering why we can’t function.
Think about it. The moment Adam and Eve ate that fruit, everything broke. Every single part of creation was now marked by death. Immediately, they were afraid. And exposed. And ashamed.
So much so, they thought they could hide from the God who created them. They went into hiding and mankind has been hiding ever since. But, self-protection (from shame and exposure of true self) almost always becomes self-destruction. The end result is we are not known. The only thing that is known is whatever façade we’ve maintained, but because it is not real, there is no real connection or attachment. Which means we move through the world, never really showing up, never really known, and thus, never really feeling loved.
And THAT is the greatest trauma to our souls.
The loop we get stuck in is that it is written on our souls to be known but fear keeps us in hiding.
“If they really knew me, they would not love me.”
“I can’t let them see me, because they will reject me.”
“But I need them to know me! I’m desperate to be known rightly.”
“I’m created to be loved, but love is too dangerous and traumatic.”
And so we continue to view the world with fear and suspicion, and perpetuate the trauma. We move through life prepared to defend ourselves from harm, and in the process build shallow facade’s we hide behind pretending we’re safe while utterly alone.
The impact of Psychological Invalidation
Hand in hand with unhealthy attachment is a concept called psychological invalidation. This is a form of emotional abuse that sends the message that someone’s internal experiences and perceptions are unimportant, meaningless, or false. Feelings, concerns, thoughts and hopes are dismissed or minimized as unreasonable, unacceptable, or silly and immature.
Most often, emotional invalidation begins in the developmental years by parental figures. Children are often “managed” with a goal of peace, quiet, and obedience in mind. Especially within religious circles and church culture, compliance is equated with perfection. In other words, the perfect child is the smiling, obedient one, and definitely NOT the one who thinks or acts creatively, outside the box, or in ways that call into question the “authority” of their “elders.” Compliant obedience.
Emotional invalidation denies others the room to deeply experience the range and depth of perspective their own soul has been created for. It is a refusal to accept that person for who they are and what they bring to the table. The end result, as with all emotional abuse, is self-doubt, hopelessness, deep disconnection. The feel alienated, inferior, confused, worthless, and burdensome.
The lens of trauma here is that to be loved, one must hide and conform. Again, feeding into attachment theory, hiding never results in secure, deep attachment and connection.